Over the years, I have wondered why am I still here, after undergoing 3 cancer journeys?

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I am still here to offer my wisdom, life experience, passion and gifts, that will bring deep healing medicine to others that have walked this journey.

 

Navigating a cancer diagnosis presents complicated emotional and physical struggle, however, the post and “beyond cancer,” has been the most challenging, stripped down to the bare bones. It can take so much. What does it give back?  Well…a larger appreciation for life, a fierceness, a courage, “don’t sweat the small stuff, a life “reset” and exploration of what is most important with the time we have?

 

My 1st cancer diagnosis was in August of 1999. I was 39 yrs old when diagnosed with a very large stage 4 tumor on my tongue. I was shocked when I received the diagnosis.  No one is prepared or expects to get a cancer diagnosis. I underwent several months of chemotherapy and radiation treatment. I had a port put in my chest and a feeding tube in my stomach for 9 months. I had bright red burns on my face and neck and a bald cold head.   

 

I was going through treatment at one of the best hospitals in Boston. The tumor would shrink and grow, shrink and grow, and therefore, I was in the hospital on a 24-hour chemotherapy drip for three weeks at a time. I made it through that and the horrible combination of chemo and radiation treatment for several months. It was a long road to recovery.

 

I had a fight in me and I also, eventually learned to surrender. One of the biggest jewels of wisdom I received during this time was to feel the difference between pain and suffering. I was creating more of my own suffering as I could only think about when would this all be over, and I could return to my “normal” life? Well, this was my life and I needed to accept and embrace it. I eventually learned how to do this..

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My second cancer diagnosis was in April 2003. Just a blip on the screen. A microscopically small tumor appeared. I returned to Boston so I could have the same team from before. I had 4 months of chemotherapy, and it was a done deal.

 

The third tongue cancer diagnosis was in December of 2017.

I underwent a radical and major tongue surgery, leaving me with impaired speech and daily struggles with eating, drinking, chewing and swallowing.

There are days when I feel no other person could even begin to know the challenges of my journey, as I cannot know another’s. I bet you have said that to yourself. There’s that feeling of “aloneness” but we are not alone.

 

Due to chronic pain (long term side effects from radiation) there are days when I feel worn to the bone, hopeless and exhausted and then there are days where I feel my deepest joy, vitality and passion. Just like all of us humans, we cycle around the wheel more times than we can count. It helps to remember what brings us alive.

 

These experiences, walking on the edge of life and death are profound and life changing. They are catalysts for a deeper exploration of purpose and meaning of life.

In the end, what matters? What matters while still here? Through it all, there is inexplicable grace and grit, sorrow and blessing.

 

I am greatly humbled by going through three cancer journeys. My courage, fierceness, and resilience of body, heart and soul is undeniable. I have traversed the depths of grief, loss, sorrow, and despair, alongside great joy, exuberance, aliveness and fullness of life. Navigating the territory and landscape of cancer, I have come to know and befriend grief as a longtime companion.

These journeys were “thresholds,” initiations, rites of passage that have deeply influenced and inspired my life’s work.

 

I share bits of my story so you may feel less alone, so you may know that I have been touched and changed, shattered and healed, and in that, there is hope, healing and transformation.